Those Dumb Emails

Have you ever gotten one of these emails ? Emails like this ....

" What your sleeping position says about you ...

Foetus
Those who curl up in the foetus position are described as tough on the outside but sensitive at heart. They may be shy when they first meet somebody, but soon relax. This is the most common sleeping position, adopted by 41% of the 1,000 people who took part in the survey.

Log
Lying on your side with both arms down by your side. These sleepers are easy going, social people who like being part of the in-crowd, and who are trusting of strangers. However, they may be gullible...

Yearner
People who sleep on their side with both arms out in front are said to have an open nature, but can be suspicious, cynical. They are slow to make up their minds... and their mothers are so fat, they have to buy 2 air plane tickets ... Are you still reading this ?

Soldier
Yada yada .... Polly wants a cracker, your mother's so fat even her clothes have stretch marks, your mother's so fat she needs a watch on both arms cause she covers 2 time zones ... Can't believe you're still reading this ....

Freefall
Lying on your front with your hands around the pillow, and ...... yada yada ..... ZZZZZzzzzzzzz "

What a load of horse shit .....

Those people who do these surveys clearly have too much time on their hands.

I mean .... does this mean that there are only 6 positions that people sleep in every night?

What about those people who sleep like this ?

"The Retarded Puppy position"

"This kind of sleeper requires a lot of attention and are sometimes regarded as social retards"

"The Oxygenless Zen"

"This kind of sleeper requires no oxygen while sleeping. Nobody knows how they've survived until today ..."

I mean it's bloody ridiculous to say that if you sleep that way, you're this kind of person.

And let's not even begin to talk about those couple sleeping positions. I won't even bother copying and pasting the descriptions for these ...

Firstly, how does sleeping positions with somebody determine the state of the relationship? Look at this position above, if me and my future wife slept that way, we'd both in trouble I tell you... We'd both suffocate one day. And what about morning breath man ? Nothing stops romance more effectively than morning breath. Mannn

Sleeping this way .... wouldn't it be more practical then?

And what's with the depressing analysis for this manlah? The poor dude probably fell off and was climbing back onto the bed. And you go tell the poor wife that her husband's going to leave her. Kanasai.

Now look here, the way I sleep with my future wife does NOT determine my love for her. My leg crosses boundaries when I sleep I tell you. And I reckon it's probably not going to change when I marry my future wife...

Hey dear .... why are you pouting? Hey you're leaving ? .... Oh come on now ....

Whoops .....

Anyway, so if I were to go for one of these dumbass studies, there'd probably be a category called this ...

The kicker

This type of couple will not last long. The husband feels terribly insecure and feels prompted to display his utmost dissatisfaction in the relationship only through his sleep. Note the precise place in which his legs are positioned, no doubt a sign of underlying violence and abuse

I'll give the dude who does the study a kick all right ....

A whole load of kanasai ...

Same way why I never read horrorscopes and zodiacs and whatever it is they put in the newspapers and magazines.

So if I were to classify myself under the modern zodiac, I'd have like a whole set of traits that define my personality. Oh wait, I was born in the year of the dog, so that's a different set of traits altogether. I'm confused .....

So similarly, if there are 12 zodiacs does that mean that there are only 12 types of characters of people in this entire world? You'd think the good Lord up there would've used his noggin more and been more creative ...

Here's the description for my zodiac

ARIES

People who were born in this section of the year have unusually strong will power and great obstinacy of purpose. They are usually born to be fighters in every sense of the world: they have also the greatest ability as organizers on a large scale. They find themselves as the organizers of big schemes or as the heads of big businesses, and also in the organization and development of countries. They seem naturally to resent all criticism, and the only way to offset this in them is by quiet logic, reason, and proof. These people are usually independent in everything they do. It is really important for them to do everything in their own way, and if they are intervene with other people they generally loose the shapes of the main purpose, step back and let the other person take their place. As a rule they are unhappy in their domestic life. Yet these people, be they men or women, deeply, fervently and strongly desire for affection and sympathy, more than anything else, and this is generally the rock on which they are finally wrecked if they have not the good fortune to meet their right affinities. As far as material success or power is concerned, there are no heights to which persons born in this sign wouldn’t be able to. Success, however, is not making them feel really happy and satisfied. They are inclined to lack caution, being by nature impulsive and quick in thought and action. They are and inclined to mike enemies very easily. They are enormously ambitious, as a rule they succeed in life and gain money and position. The lower type of this sign will stick at nothing to accomplish their purpose.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

The only thing I find even remotely interesting about zodiacs is the nice pictures and paintings people have come up with ...

Like this one.... pretty nice though the muscle man looks quite gross and a bit gay

There you go. That's pretty decent. Nothing more decent than a picture of 2 girls and an animal ...

I think the motherload is probably those e-mails that go something like this ....

Horoscope Test...

If you are honest this tells the truth - it's pretty good Write your answers on a piece of paper. No cheating !! The answers are at the bottom of this page.

1. Write the name of a person of the opposite sex.

2. Which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, green, yellow?

3. Your first initial?

4. Your month of birth?

5. Which color do you like more, black or white?

6. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.

7. Your favorite number?

8. Do you like Sydney or Brisbane more?

9. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?

10. Write down a wish (a realistic one).

When you're done, scroll down. (Don't cheat)

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* * * * * * * * * * *
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* * * * * * * * * * *
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ZZzzzZZzzZZZzzzZZZ

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* * * * * * * * * * *
*

ZzzZzZZzzzZzzzZZZZZzzZzZZzzZz
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* * * * * * * * * * *
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* * * * * * * * * * *
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*

1. You are completely in love with this person.

2. If you choose: Red - You are alert and your life is full of love. Black - you are conservative and aggressive. Green - your soul is relaxed and you are laid back Blue - you are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love. Yellow- you are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.

3. If your initial is: A-K You have a lot of love to give in friendships in your life. L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom. S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
4. If you were born in: Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected. April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will last long and the memories will last forever. July-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good. Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be too great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.

5. If you chose..... Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change. White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.

6. This person is your best friend.

7. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.

8. If you chose: Sydney: You like adventure. Brisbane: You are a laid back person.
9. If you chose: Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved. Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

10. This wish will come true only if you send this to five people in one hour. Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your next birthday!

Even the first question and answer's got me sniggering already. So what happens if you were just thinking of your Auntie Barbara who bought you char kuey teow an hour ago and wrote that down? So? You in love with your auntie is it ? Kanasai lar ..

And how about question 3? Oh mum, why in the world did you name me Jason? Now I'm forever doomed to 'have a lot to give in friendships in life'.

Are there really people who believe all this baloney ?

Oh come on ... grow up already~!

Kanasai~!

What a wonderful book

Koda Kimble's Applied Therapeutics is absolutely useful I tell you ......

It's useful when you need specific information at your hand ....

Good whenever you need to look up that elusive piece of info at the tip of your tongue that you find difficult to spit out ........ *PTUI*

Imperative whenever any other book fails you.....

Also useful when you have nothing else to do with your life and want to just read up on things you know you'll forget 1 month later ......

But most of all ...... it's especially useful ......

.....when you need it to prop up your rickety bed .......

Good Phone Man

Awhile back my friend went along on a raid of a place here in KT. Many things were confiscated, medicines, sex toys, and among others, handphones. We were pretty surprised to find that there was a pretty good phone in the haul ....

Pretty impressive N73 we had to admit ......

Check out the sleek design man .......

Camera no less ........

Presence of a second camera ... so it's bound to be 3G ..

Darn ..... you've just got to have it ....

Yup ....... Gotta have your NOKLA ~!

I imagine the company's logo would look something like this ......

Kanasai~!

Dream Theater + Live + Up Close = Totally Insane~!

Just got back from Singapore after catching Dream Theater live. And all I have to say is ....

OH MY GAWD!

From left : Jordan Rudess, John Myung, Mike Portnoy, James La Brie, John Petrucci

To have all that sheer musical brilliance under one roof at one particular time was nothing short of mind blowing ...

The highlight of course was when Petrucci launched into one of his solo rips and brought the house down.... and he did it over and over again .... Holy kanasai...

Mr John Petrucci himself

While he was up there shredding the frets off the poor guitar, I thought I almost heard this in the background ....

Okay sorry .... that was pretty silly. Besides, you'd probably not get it unless you're a DOTA fan.

But what's probably more silly is this ....

When me and my buddy were at Harbour Front and walking towards the MRT, we came across these (yeeek) ghastly pink Hello Kitty custom painted (ughh) guitars.

Kanasai nyerr ...

But that wasn't as bad as when I started thinking of the concert and John Petrucci in all his glory .....

......only to have this horiffic image suddenly pop up in my mind ....

A very gay John Petrucci

Holy cripes...... No no no ..........

Please give me a moment ....... to recover from a picture that will undoubtedly traumatize me for years to come.... *choke*

.... Tell me that won't make any guitarist want to burn his guitar and take up the flute ....

Anyway, we noticed many things about Singapore ....

Like the fact that the elevators in the their MRT stations seem like they lead you straight to your maker ....

Not only that but the elevators move much quicker than they do in Malaysia. So overall it feels like you're going to meet your maker really quickly....

I was however amazed at the full reception I got down there in the MRT stations (which was probably like 3 levels underground)

See the full bars?

Heck, in Malaysia, the only time you ever get full reception is when you're not making a call .....

See this sign? Apparently durians aren't particularly favoured in Singapore. Got me pretty tickled actually .... but not as tickled as when I saw this ....

Holy cow. They either wanted a really really happy name for their flower shop, or the dude's name is Gay Wah. If it is, he probably got teased a lot when he was in like ... primary and secondary school.

And I thought Chow Hee (my Chinese name) was a bad name ........

This one's even better. Took a stroll along the Esplanade. There were a few art pieces tacked up along the walkway that looked like these ....

*blink*blink* ...... Then in one of the shops they were selling things like this ....

WTF man ..... ? What's with the arse fetish lar ? Bloody crazy Singaporea..... oops.... I mean .... Bloody kanasai~!

Posh cars are abundant over there. I think I saw more nice and posh cars in 1 day over there than I do in 1 week in KL, and in 1 month in KT. Walking towards some food stalls for dinner, there was a Lamborghini parked along the road..... like it was a normal, everyday thing to hop into a Lamborghini and drive out for dinner at the stalls .... Mann...

Speaking of parking, also worth noting are the strange parking habits of Singaporeans.....

They park funny

Parking with an attitude

See, apparently their curbs are built really low so that when you park, all you have to do is just back in, close your eyes and edge in until you feel a bump, and watta ...... you're parked.

But of course if you do that all the time you're bound to end up in trouble some time or other .....

...... like this dude ...... He was probably like .... "Close my eyes, back in, feel the bump, back in, feel the bump .... *BANG* ...... Oh I hit a tree instead? That'll do"

Kanasai ...

Saw this on the road while we emerged from the MRT station. Shittiness. You mean when I walk, people get killed? So is it an offence for people called Jay to walk in this country?

Muahahahahaha ..... *snort*snort* ....

Huh? Okay .....I know I know ..... lame. I'm sorry again.

Anyway, one thing that really hit us was when we were at the customs checkpoints.... And this was apparent during our trip back to Malaysia.....

The good ol customs people over at Singapore exercised the highest levels of caution and professionalism. They were serious, courteous, thorough in checking our luggage, and even more thorough in checking our faces. Heck, the customs officers were even carrying guns.

Then when we came over to Malaysia .....

We were greeted to this. Nobody checked our bags. Wait ... there was somebody sitting there but she looked like her grandmother just dieded and she hadn't gotten her pay for the past 5 months.

The people didn't so much as look at our faces. The officers at the counter were chatting and joking with each other. And what were they chatting about? When they were going for lunch .....

Pemeriksaan my ass~! Might as well just call it :

LALUAN IMIGRESEN : Semua Dibenarkan Lalu Tanpa Halangan

Kanasai~!

Fleh wat ?

Oh Oh Oh .....

I really must tell you all this. Quite awhile back, my housemate who was working in the out patient department came across this patient.

She was all airy and haughty and tried her best to come across as being sophisticated and all. According to him, apart from trying to look the part, she also tried to sound the part by using bombastic English words with a foreign accent to boot.

Other than a cough, she was collecting medicine for various other ailments. And to add to the overall snooty demure of hers, she went on to explain for herself what each medication was indicated for.

When it came to the cough medicine she said this ...

"And this ... this one is for the fleh-germ right?"

....... She was talking about Bromhexine for getting rid of phlegm .....

Haiyoorrr ..... Kanasai lar I tell you .....

Those Quaint Little Indian Barber Shops

I went for a hair cut the other day. At one of those typical Indian barber shops you find along the road. I suddenly missed my childhood days

You see, growing up, I used to hate barbers. Especially those Indian ones who always carry those shaver-machine thingies. I used to think those were torture devices from back in the 18th century. They look something like this ...

Authentic Indian shaver device used to

inflict incredible pain on people in the 18th Century

Okay so I'm lying, the picture isn't authentic. I got it on Google images. But you get my drift....

Anyway I really hated it cause the barber I used to go to as a kid had a particlarly old and noisy one that would vibrate so badly whenever he shaved the edges of my hair, I was quite sure I'd eventually develop seizures in the later part of my life...

Thank God I didn't ..... cause I don't think moving and jerking around in an incoherent manner while dancing counts ....

And those blades man. Here, I must explain to you that I was really tickly as a kid. As in really really touch-my-armpit-with-a-feather-and-I-get-giggly kind of tickly. In fact I used to just imagine that someone was tickling my armpits and I'd get all giggly.

No ....... I wasn't on schizophrenia medication as a kid ......

Stop looking at me like that please ....

You know the last part of the hair cut where the dude would hold your head down and shave off those bits at the end of your hair, boy was that a nightmare for me. The dude would scrape like ... the most sensitive area ... behind the neck. Hell I tell you.

I had to grit my teeth everytime that part came. Sometimes I couldn't control it and red sores would appear after the cut. And I still remember this particular incident where this mother was telling her son this ...

"See .... you shake shake alound somemorelar. Naughty somemorelar. Aftards uncer cut off your head then you noe. Like that ko ko therelor. He so veli naughty one"

Eh hello auntie kanasai you ...... that ko ko thinks you have no manners leh ..... Oh and by the way go take some English lessons man ... call 1-800-YOU-BIATCH

The thing I really admire about those Indian barbers is the amount of quality control and consistency in ALL of their works.

In other words ar, I'm trying to say that they usually have like ... only 1 style that they know.

You could tell them potong pendek, tapi atas ini tinggal panjang sikit. You'd probably end up with this ..

You could tell them potong tepi sahaja, lain-lain kemaskan. You'd still probably end up with this ..

Heck you could even tell them Eh boss, tak mahulah, tak mahu potong. Thank you. And the guy would probably grab you, tie you up in the chair, give you the hair cut of your life so that you'd still look like this ..

That's pretty kanasai man ..

The thing with these Indian barbers is that they don't stop. Once they're on a roll, they just go snip snip and slash and snip. It's like they're in a trance-like state or something.

... Like that Heroes dude who can paint the future ...

I remember once when i wanted to have rather short hair so that I could gel it up and make it stand. The dude got all excited and just couldn't stop snipping away. I think if I hadn't stopped him I'd be quite hairless at the end of the day.

And even when I did tell him to stop (in the most polite way imaginable) he looked at me like I'd just killed Uncle Maniam or something. I think to them it's like a fine art that they strive to maintain.

Whatever it is, me being a non-metrosexual male...... I'll probably not switch to those snazzy hair saloons anytime soon ..... After all, who else can give you a simple hair cut for less than 10 bucks ?

To the Indian barber in Mega Mendung whose shop I've gone to since I was a kid .... cheers to you man ... here's to many more years down the road ..